Friday, 14 December 2012

About my Brother.

I've written and re-written this post so many times. It's so strange.  I'm happy to share photos of my daughter and tell you about our special moments but writing down my actual feelings scares me. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the fear of feeling exposed & vulnerable. But, I think I need this.

Although it's been over a year since we lost my brother, tragically, unexpectedly, I never really talk about it. I talk about him a lot and think about him every day but I never talk about me and my feelings. Grief is such a funny thing and we all deal with it in different ways and my way has been to bottle it up but a couple of things have happened recently and yesterday it all got too much, I had a blip. The flood gates opened and I just couldn't help myself. (Afterwards I looked in the mirror and noticed all of my make-up had smudged around my eyes and I looked like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family)-See that's what I mean, I always try and make a joke out of it. I won't go into detail about what happened on that dreadful day but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just miss him.

I miss going into his room and making him laugh, I miss hearing his voice, I miss him eating all of the fairy cakes at my nans, I miss doing the washing up with him (even him whipping me with the tea towel), I miss him asking if he can drive my car. I just miss him. end. We were always together as children, inseparable playing on his BMX, rollerskating, building dens, Playstation games.

I've not only lost my brother but I've lost my friend too.

 A year on and I still can't believe it's real, I guess you always think that tragedy always happens to somebody else, you might read it in the paper and think "That's terrible" but you move on with your day. But we never move on. I'll never get over this and will always miss him.

 I feel constantly worried and paranoid about Ava, always a "What if?", the craziest things pop into my head. "What if she chokes?!" "What if she gets meningitis?" "What if she stops breathing in the night?" So many what ifs and it scares me because my heart wouldn't be able to cope. I know that I am being completely and utterly irrational. She is fine, she is healthy!

I feel so sad that he never got to meet Ava. I feel sad that he won't be at my wedding, I feel sad that I will never know what his life could of been but most of all I feel sad that I'll never laugh with him again.

But he would hate this, so I need to be thankful for what I do have. If anything I am more compassionate, I am thankful for Ava, she is happy, healthy and thriving. I am thankful for my family & friends and I am thankful that for 21 years I had a lovely brother and an amazing friend.




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