I had the option this weekend of going away for a night and leaving E, my 13 month old at home with daddy.
A Sunday lie in? An absolutely restful night with no risk of wake ups? Sounds temping, right? Amazingly I didn't even find myself at the stage of tempted. My heart sank at the though of leaving her for a night.
I am a working mum. I am a head of subject at a large secondary school and my job sometimes consumes more of life that I would like it to. I went back to work when E was 5 months old and she is at nursery for all four of those days now having done one day a week with family previously. She adores nursery and is thriving there, and I never have to worry about her between 8am and pick up time. We chose her nursery with our new parent hats as well as our teacher hats, and it ticked every box. I trust them implicitly. It's transparent, loving and stimulating as well as firm and fair. It's what I try to be at home.
I am picky about who I leave her with when she isn't at nursery. I can't help that. I am unsure why I was able to leave her with strangers when she was so tiny yet a year into this parenting thing I am picky about who I choose now. I guess one reason is that some people only offer help on their terms; no, I don't need child care on a Saturday afternoon, thanks all the same, I see too little of her enough as it the week to give up time at the weekend too. I think another is how I've observed some people with her; encroaching on her space as a tiny, helpless being and virtually sitting *on* her... Doing thoughtless things like trying to pacify my new born with an unwashed finger - what? We don't even do that, what gives you the right? These things have, rightly or wrongly, marred my view of the capabilities of those people to be entrusted with my most precious thing.
It is absolutely fine. I made sacrifices when I had a baby, and two of those things were freedom and spontaneity. I love every moment I have with her and still have very little desire to be away from her. I am going out for the day on Saturday and she can enjoy same quality times with daddy and that's really important. Her and I went away for a night last weekend to visit her godfather. D doesn't mind her being away occasionally like I do... He works very hard and loves the sleep I mentioned at the start of my post!!
So in the week, I am happy for her to be with other people, within reason. I am happy to entrust her care to nursery, or grandad occasionally, or a mummy friend. The girls I'd love to look after her more, her wonderful god mothers, sadly don't live close enough to help all that regularly, but some of my other top girls have saved the day when there have been child care emergencies.
For my birthday, the aforementioned godmothers bought me two tickets for 'Puppetry of the Penis' at the local theatre later on in the year. I have the choice of one of them baby sitting so my husband and I can go, or taking one of them and letting daddy baby sit. Now there's a couples of things here... I've seen the trailers, I am excited, if a little apprehensive but there's no way I want to go and watching dancing penises with my husband. I'd rather enjoy it in the company of one of my favourite girls. More over, I am still not ready to leave E at home without one of us being there just in case. Really. Just in case. Even with one of the most trusted on my list. In her 13 month existence she has woken twice before midnight, and I can count on my fingers on toes the number of nights she has woken in the night full stop. Yet I am terrified she will wake and that one of us won't be here for her. I have been out of an evening once since she was born leaving D in charge and work commitments have made meant I've not been home until late a few times. But I just feel sick at the thought us both leaving her, even with one of our closest friends who she knows well, never mind a baby sitter. I honestly don't mind. I am happy with a glass of white in my home, in my pjs, with my husband, without my husband, with friends, in front of the tele, in silence. Well almost, a peaceful snoozing baby is nearly silent.
I know some of my friends think I'm crazy. They don't understand why I'm not jumping at the chance for a night away or an evening out. Even some of my mummy friends don't seem to get it. I wonder when I will feel able to step back a little, or if this is something I'm in for the long term... I know that at the moment it doesn't bother me, and being here for my baby in the night if she needs me, us, is more important that any evening out. I guess when I start missing those nights out I can rethink and give it a try...
Right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Friday, 10 May 2013
Guest Post from Mama H
Today I am sharing with you a brilliant guest post written by Mama H. Mama H is a working mum & has a beautiful 13 month old daughter, E. She has recently started her own fab blog which contains the most gorgeous photos. You can check it out here- Thursday's Child, Friday's Thoughts.
If you're a parent blogger and would like to write a guest post for my blog I would love to hear from you. Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
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