Sunday, 4 September 2016

It's not going to be just the three of us anymore...

For 4 years (it'll be almost 5 years when your new baby brother or sister arrives) it has been just the three of us, you, me and daddy, like the Three Musketeers. It's sounds silly to think, and almost like something that shouldn't be said but when I think about our time together coming to an end it breaks my heart a little, and that sounds like such a silly thing to say as we want this baby so much but it almost feels like the end of an era.


I guess it's because we've been through so much together, so much that you won't even realise until you become a mummy yourself one day. You were my surprise baby, but as I've said before, the best thing that could have happened to me, as when I was 6 months pregnant with you, my lovely brother died suddenly. What would I have done without you to keep safe? My little saviour. Then there were the early days, when neither daddy nor I knew what we were doing and I would spend most of that time on the phone to the maternity ward or Nanna, worrying about you! Worrying about whether I was good enough, little did I know that it's called "mum guilt" and it was only just starting. I learnt so much from you and I'm still learning now, learning how to be patient, how to plait your hair so it's "just like Anna's" and learning all of the names of the Shopkins!

In all honesty I'm anxious about having another baby, about how I'll cope with two, about how you'll cope not having all of my attention anymore and I often wonder if I'll be able to love another child like I love you. That all-consuming love that feels as though my heart is going to burst. I know I will and I know you'll be fine. But it's still something that worries me, I guess it will all come together when the baby is here.



I think that mostly I don't you to grow up, I want to watch your long hair blowing in the wind as you race ahead of me, that little inhibited dance you do whilst pulling a silly face when you're trying to make me laugh, the way you tell me that you love me so much and I'm your best friend forever.



There are so many changes happening at the moment I think I'm finding it all quite hard and my emotions are all over the place. Me going back to work after the Summer break having spent every day with you, you starting school and the big one, that in 6 months time it's not going to be just the three of us anymore. And I'm finding it hard to get my head around that.


Sometimes I just really wish time would slow down! I just want your little hand in mine for a while longer.
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