Thursday, 2 February 2017

Is my heart ready to love another child?

Back in the Summer I wrote a post to Ava, about how it wasn't just going to be the three of us anymore. At the time there were a lot of changes going on, I was still in the early stages of pregnancy and preparing myself to go back to work after the long Summer holidays off with Ava, she was about to start School and I had crazy pregnancy hormones swirling around. It was a hard time but since then things have settled, Ava is loving School, my return to work was wonderful and my hormones seemingly settled.

However, with just over 3 weeks until my due date, those feelings have crept up on me again. I feel unprepared, emotionally and physically. Although my hospital bags have been packed for weeks and we have everything that we need for baby, the nursery is nowhere near completion and I'm having those same feelings of guilt over Ava. I've always said that I'm glad we left quite a big age gap between our children, Ava will be 5 next month, but at the same time I wonder if I would feel this way if the age gap were smaller, would I feel this guilty feeling if the age gap had only been a couple of years? If Ava hadn't have had all of those years of us to herself?

I worry that she'll feel pushed out and not as loved anymore, will she come to resent the baby and resent me? I know that she's my daughter but Ava is such a lovely child, she's a joy to be around (most days) and is so loving. She has been nothing but excited since the day we told her she was going to be a big sister and is always telling me how much she loves the baby. I think when you're a mother to one child, and your heart is already so full, you wonder how you could possibly find the room to love another. At the moment, although I of course love this baby already, I don't know it.. I don't even know if it will be a boy or a girl. And I know from speaking to other parents that you of course love your other babies but at the moment I can't picture us as a family of four.

This new little person coming into our lives seems almost alien, exciting but alien. It's going to change everything and part of me worries that I'm not quite ready. I know this is my hormones talking, it's a new chapter of our lives and I know that's bound to make me feel a little nervous and it will take some adjusting to.

I just hope that I can still be a good mummy to both of my babies.

Have any of you with a big gap between your children felt like this?

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