Monday, 27 March 2017

Life with a newborn- How I'm really feeling...

Oliver is now 26 days old and I can confirm that the fog has well and truly descended. By fog I mean the newborn fog. The permanent exhaustion that turns your brain to complete mush and makes you feel like a zombie. Having been used to a child who has been sleeping through the night for the last 3 years at least, making up bottles and winding a newborn at 4am has been a shock to the system. I'm not the greatest person when it comes to lack of sleep at the best of times, so I've been feeling quite tearful and cranky lately and then end up feeling guilty for snapping- it's a strange cycle. It's odd having a newborn again, Oliver and I are still getting to know each other and I'm slowly discovering his little quirks, cues and personality. It can be difficult and I often find myself in limbo between burping, feeding and trying to stick his dummy in several times before I find out what he actually wants. He's also a super cuddly baby and loves being cuddled to sleep, I do love this but it's also a nightmare to get anything done as he'll usually wake as soon as I put him down.

In myself I feel slightly strange, I find myself looking back on old photos of Ava and getting upset, which sounds daft. I guess I'm just feeling nostalgic and long for things to be as easy as they used to be. I also feel guilty that it's not just the three of us anymore and I can't give her the attention that I used to. When I think back to how it was before Oliver it's a different life which makes me feel quite sad. It doesn't help that I badly need to give myself some self-care. I'd love to get my hair done and give myself a pamper but I've barely got a chance to grab any breakfast at the moment, let alone anything else. My skin still looks terrible due to the pregnancy acne I suffered with when carrying Oliver and my stomach looks like a deflated balloon.

I'm hoping to take Oliver to some local baby groups to get us out of the house and so that I don't fall into the trap of lonely and bored new mum. I'd forgotten just how hard the newborn days are, with the exhaustion and change in hormones going on too it's such a crazy time which has left me feeling a bit low, I'll be honest. Having Ava as my first baby was a huge shock and I thought that having a second would be a walk in the park. So feeling like I do has completely thrown me.

So many people have commented on how well I'm doing but in truth I sometimes feel like a swan, looking like I don't have a care in the world when underneath I'm furiously paddling, trying to keep everything afloat. Although I know this won't last, he's only a newborn for such a short period of time. It's true what they say, "the days are long but the years are short" and I'm desperately reminding myself of this when I feel like things get a little too overwhelming. I'm looking forward to the weather warming up and getting a little nicer too. It's just so cold out there I don't want to go out of the house with him too much, especially as we're all suffering with colds.

With the Easter holidays approaching I want to make sure I spend time with Ava too, just the two of us. I'm missing our one on one time, although I do try and set aside some time for us to play together. It will get easier I know, when you're in the thick of it all you think it'll never end, and I can't remember Ava as a newborn now. It does all go so fast!

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