Thursday, 27 April 2017

I didn't expect to feel like this

On Tuesday Ollie and I had our first baby sensory class, it went really well and I got chatting to a few mums, the lady next to me had a beautiful baby girl. She was gorgeous, so bright eyed, happy and smiley. She was rolling over and holding her head up but not yet crawling, she was almost 6 months old, still very much a baby, then it hit me. Ollie will be a week off 6 months when I return to work, full time, at the end of August. I suddenly felt desperately sad, I've always said that Oliver will be our last baby, I am happy with two children but now I've realised that this is it, all of his firsts will be my lasts.

He is such a sweet, happy boy and I just know he's going to be a mama's boy. Yesterday he was lying on the bed next to me whilst I did my make up and I caught him a few times smiling at me when I wasn't looking, pure love in his eyes and my heart melted. How am I going to be able to leave this sweet boy for 40 hours a week?! I'm very fortunate that I don't work during the School holidays, and working in a private School we have a lot of holidays, but I'm worried about missing out on him.

When I was pregnant I certainly didn't expect to be feeling like this, I thought it would be easier with him being my second, I didn't expect it to be harder with him being my last. In fact I was worried that I wouldn't love him enough! How wrong and crazy I was! This little boy has completely captured my heart. I'm so besotted with him!

I know that when I go back to work it will be hard, physically and emotionally. I'll have two children and myself to get ready before 8.15am and they'll both need to be taken to different drop off points. I also won't be getting home until 6pm so it will be a case of dinner, bath and bed and I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of Ollie's development. The silver lining is that I only ever work a maximum of 6 weeks before a holiday pops up, but I already know that those 6 weeks are going to be so tough.

So I am going to do the best I can to soak up the rest of my maternity leave, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have both him and his big sister and it's true what they say, your heart just grows when you have another baby. He's slotted right into our family, I don't know what we ever did without him!

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